Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Not bent, broken


I decided after last night it was not simply time to have some one change my password for me so that I could no longer "log in" to Facebook but to all together "deactivate" my account...god it sounds like it's a freaking bomb. Well, I guess it would be fair for me to say Facebook was a bomb. There are many, many reasons as to why I got rid of my facebook account but none of it really matters if it no longer exists (except in memory of course). What is known, is dealt with and there. I am a strong believer (in this case) in the saying "What you don't know won't hurt you".

Those of you who want to reach me know how to. I am looking forward to blogging more, writing more...not simply "updating my status" in 2 sentences or less. People have told me that even without facebook I will find things to help me procrastinate. This I know is true. I will procrastinate by cuddling and loving my nephews as much as possible (can you even call that procrastination?). I will read more, write, and enjoy these things to the fullest. The one thing that will also begin to consume my time is my newest project which I have only shared with one very special person, my Sari love. I don't need to mention my love for Eliot's Four Quartets, but there are specific lines there that really, really spoke to me and remain in my mind as if they are permanently engraved there. I will begin some sketches this week of images to accompany these lines. Those sketches will then be placed on a grid and made into a much larger painting. I am still debating whether I want to make one large collage or individual canvases.

This idea was originally meant to be a gift for someone I considered one of the most important people in my life, but now they will remain as a remembrance to me.

"With the drawing of this love and the voice of this calling"

I love all of you dearly who have helped me endure the last few weeks...months. You will never know how grateful I am and how much you really all have inspired me.

Always, Lisa

Monday, November 15, 2010

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how people hold on to things whether it be people, an object, a thought...anything really. It's interesting because holding onto things is so much easier than letting go it seems, as if we are going to lose something great if we do let go. But then I started thinking about all the things I am losing by NOT letting go of certain things, people, memories. Both of these decisions raises many more questions within themselves and are not easy to do. What if? The most prominent question in my mind and I think it is fair to say that I ask myself this every day concerning both matters small and large.

As of late, I find myself doing things that I know will only make things more difficult, as if I am intentionally causing myself pain
and I really don't understand it. Then again, there is a lot I don't understand and more than likely never will. It's like reality is continuously kicking my ass into gear telling me to get with the program.

Well, I am happy to say that reality is also forcing me out of this glass bubble I like to refer to as...Bozeman. As much as I love Montana, especially Bozeman- it is soon going to be time to let go. For the first time in a long time I have no commitments, nothing. Really. How often does this honestly happen? It is quite invigorating- liberating and at the same time scarier than hell! This glass bubble is continuously rolling around this town crashing into the things that hurt me most....it is bound to smash into pieces at some point right? I laugh at myself because everyone reminds me how small Bozeman is and I never understood until recently.

If you can't have it, you may as well run from it...that's my theory today. But it's really not that simple- no matter how far I run, it follows- it is daunting. These memories haunt my dreams every night. But the waking is never a relief.


‎"I wish you bluebirds in the spring to give your heart a song to sing, and then a kiss but more than that, I wish you love. And in July...I wish you love. So with my best my very best I set you free."

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Bright Star

I never thought that moment would be one I would remember always, I simply was looking for some peace of mind.

As I was driving, I decided it would be a good idea to stop and take a stroll across Carter's Bridge. The Yellowstone river looked amazingly serene under the bright moonlight hidden mostly by the clouds. I was shivering, teeth chattering together yet I continued to stand there in amazement. The moment was so calm and breathtaking perhaps because it was the most quiet moment of my day. I headed back towards my car and looked back to see if the moon had decided to emerge from the clouds even a little, it seemed so bright even hidden there in the sky. As I looked up, I saw not the moon but the form the clouds had taken, or rather the sky peering through the clouds. To me, it looked like a bird of some sort...the wings, the head and body- so clear to me. The outline was illuminated by the moonlight, but still the moon was not visible. It was amazing how this image took over all the thoughts that had been racing through my mind at least for the next few moments.

By this time, I really wanted some warmth so I got into my car and the random mix of songs on a CD I made was playing...it was Convulsion from the Bright Star soundtrack.

I drove down 89 listening to the poem Bright Star and simply enjoyed the darkness and serenity of the moment. As I was merging onto the interstate, I kept my eye on the sky...occasionally watching the road (distracted driver? Yes.) I am glad I did though because where the image of the bird had been was now something else. The clouds changed their form, but what it was this time I couldn't make out...all I saw was one bright star in the center of the sky that was surrounded by clouds.

One very bright star.

The joys. Birth and rebirth.


It has been far too long since my last blog...and of course it will be cut short because I am heading to work soon.

I have had one of the best weeks ever though, no questions. I was surprised last Saturday by numerous phone calls and text messages telling me to get to the hospital as soon as I was off work to meet the newest addition to the family! I was so overcome with excitement that my 2-9 shift seemed to be droning on and on. I spent every moment that I wasn't working with my sister and Baby in the hospital...I call him baby because he didn't even have a name until Sunday, Sawyer J.

I was amazed at how much I learned those few days at the hospital...the down and dirty facts (scary truths) about C-sections and newborns. Every time I took Sawyer in my arms I wanted to cry with joy! I think that he could quite possibly be one of the most perfect babies ever! EVER! My sister and I became very, very close during this time and I had the most amazing time with her! I am so proud of my sister, she is such a wonderful mother and sister! I would give anything for her and loved being able to help her with the baby through the first days and nights after his birth. I feel like I have been so selfish lately and knowing that I really did help someone else and being shown that true genuine appreciation is more than I could ask for.

I don't know if I have ever truly bonded with a baby like I have with Sawyer. He was tiny, losing weight quickly and getting jaundice by about day 3 so we had to supplement him with formula. I got to feed him through a syringe :) I could sit here and write about him for hours, all the great moments I experienced, but it really doesn't matter to any of you reading it. What matters is that I have them to keep and I feel like sharing all the special things would somehow ruin the entire thing.

The last week has been wonderful and I am so happy that this little munchkin is a part of our family!!!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Brink of light in a world of darkness


Even on the warmest of days, this world can seem so cold. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel...so cliche...so true. I have found that I tend to blog at extreme moments, for example, when I am either REALLY excited or really disappointed/ frustrated, etc. Not always, but usually. My blog is like my own little cove. I love it :)

I have been reading Eliot's Four Quartets a lot lately. I know I have said this before but it amazes me how every time I read it something new comes to me! It's funny how Eliot works with my moods. When I am in a confused or lost mood I find myself questioning every thing he says and life situations in general. But when I am happy and have something to look forward to Eliot provides a sort of light and a weight that I want to carry around. It's hard for me to explain- it's an infatuation.

I decided to write this blog because I am once again looking at pursuing one of my dreams in the near future! About 3 years ago, I was going to drop out of MSU and go to Le Cordon Bleu, which would have allowed me to be near my family and away from whatever it was that was troubling me. I tend to run from my troubles (mostly) although sometimes I follow my troubles around like a lost puppy. Sad. Pathetic. Back to the topic of my DrEaM...I am going to finish my writing minor, live life a bit, then leave these dusty roads behind, and yes I will be kicking dust up into the eyes of those behind me so you better either run ahead or stand by my side. When I decided to pursue this dream in the near future (thanks to the one and only wonderful Sari) I couldn't breathe. Usually I am breathless because I am overwhelmed with something- but not this time it was pure excitement!

The path ahead is both known and unknown, anticipated and feared but I am willing to walk it with my head held high!

Oh, why hello there future- I look forward to meeting you!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

In my beginning is my end


I was walking today and thought to myself, while pondering certain life situations "When does it end?!"...Eliot once again came to my rescue telling me "in my beginning is my end". AhA! Of course it is. But wait...what does this even mean? I thought I knew what it meant but now a few months later I find myself clueless about all the things I thought I once knew. Hmmmm...does this bring me back to my Senior Capstone with the one and only Shaman Sexson? Yes! "What do I know now that I didn't know before?" This could get comical if I actually responded with a list.

I have always loved, loved, loved Eliot and read some more of his works in the summer but the Four Quartets is still my favorite. It is like a pool reflecting all these connections to life- it amazes me to say the least. As I said before I converted one room in my apartment into my "library" and there are definitely some classy Eliot quotes on those walls. I love it, I smile every time I go in there. I have actually found myself wandering in there before I go to bed some nights just to smile at my bookshelf. It really is a strange thing to do.

And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.

memories...memories...memories...there and gone...

This also reminds me, I feel like I am back in my freshman days..confused by MSU's ridiculous system of dealing with issues. Oh, wait that was EVERY year!!!!! I am thoroughly frustrated with MSU right now and their ways of assigning "seniority" and what not because they do not know how! They love confusing themselves and every one else- I promise, they love it! I am back at the beginning of this whole nonsense right when I thought I had really in fact hit "the end", thanks MSU for never ceasing to make my life dull! At least I got some nice walks out of it, Also, sorry to the city of Bozeman for obnoxiously kicking around all of the crunchy leaves you worked so hard collecting yesterday- it was out of frustration on my way back from campus...but I got pure Joy from it. So my most sincere apologies and THANKS! :) I am now a happy girl and can get on with my day. It's the simple things in life.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

An up and coming literary scholar?



This blog is dedicated to little Wells:

Yes, the little man in my life right now could quite possibly be the greatest man I have ever had in my life. No, actually he IS the greatest man ever known to me. Wells Summers, I love you! How lucky could a girl be to spend every day with him as his nanny?! I walked in the other day and Wells literally jumped up and down in his jumper for a good 4 minutes, probably more. There have been days that I have showed up to work just miserable and it's as if he knows what I am thinking and simply puts his head against me. I could not be blessed with a better family, other than my own, to be a part of my life! When I show up to work he puts his arms out to me and rests his head on my shoulder...that is the "hello" that I get every day...with an adorable smile showing his 2 little teeth!

The other night Carrie and I went to dinner at Second Street Bistro with Wells and I think that I experienced one of the most amazing moments ever! Wells and I sat down in the booth and Carrie sat across from us. As I stood him up on my lap, he put his arm around my neck and put his face against mine, I almost started crying because it was the sweetest most loving moment I think I have ever experienced!

I recently bought Wells the book "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" and he LOVES it, almost as much as he loves "Where the Wild Things are". I was inspired to write this blog mainly to brag about this wonderful person in my life (and yes he is a full person, not a half person as some people like to call babies) but also because of Wells' obsession with books! He doesn't want them on the shelf, he wants them on the floor surrounding him! I have started to Document his new habits with my camera because they are too cute to miss- then I think "oh no I just captured his soul"! Wells and I could not make a better pair! He is one of the smartest babies I have ever been around (probably because he has such a scholarly nanny), haha!

The other day, I made Wells listen to some John Keats poetry and he was actually listening to me! Carrie said he learned how to turn the pages in the books because we read together so much :) That made me so happy!

While Wells may be an up and coming scholar in literature, we do have other "baby" fun too! Honestly, I don't know anyone else that would sing "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" in the middle of downtown Bozeman just to make a baby smile...yes, I did that just for him- but I got the smile out of him!

I wish I had some reading glasses to put on him right now!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Life is a waiting game

"Better to have it and not need it than it is to need it and not have it."~ A great Lonesome Dove quote


I am amazed at the amount of time, especially this last year, I have wasted in waiting. Pathetic, actually. The only thing that I have been patient with is finding the perfect puppy for me...which I may have just found! I have been looking for a puppy since early summer and am still on a mission to get one of those precious babies OUT of a shelter into my cozy home! I pick dogs the way I pick guys....slowly, cautiously and very picky...perhaps I need to be more careful with my choice in men though.

Anyways, why do we spend so much of our time (or at least me) waiting for things to happen- things ARE happening every moment. Take your chances and let fate have its way then. I need to tell myself that more. This is another reason I want to get rid of these social utilities. If I lived near my family I would get rid of my phone as well. The calls, texts, responses...they are not coming, they never will. I wish I knew when the point of "giving up" should be put in action.

Even though I tell myself "wait no more", what am I doing this very second? Yes, yes, I am waiting. Again, pathetic! Right?!

I have one of the greatest friends in the world! Some of my most intimate, deep conversations take place at Plonk- which is right where this one took place. I was so shocked at her blunt statement that I couldn't even cry, as badly as I wanted to. Sometimes the hardest things are what we need to hear, even if it is exactly what we don't want to. She did it for my own good, but the words she said to me sticks in my heart like a knife... a wealth of knowledge and good advice though.

Why is it that we wait, hold on...life lessons- so overrated.

Oh....social utilities

Well, as some of you may know...I have have been seriously considering deleting facebook. I know, right?! I am laughing so hard because when I say this people freeze before they respond. What on Earth we would all do without facebook?! I am thinking more what can I do without it! I love facebook because it is a wonderful procrastination tool (or could be come January). BUT facebook is the, as I like to say, "tell all source" and causes me to be exposed to things I would really rather not see. Facebook has actually been the RUIN of the last few months...so thanks facebook for exposing so many secrets....or TRUTHS!

But still can I really just get rid of it as easy as that? Well, probably not, haha! So, anyways...some way somehow facebook and I are parting ways this week...that secret password will soon be changed by a great friend of mine so I cannot be tempted to log on.

Hello life.