Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Looking back on my summer thus far, I think I have accomplished quite a lot, considering all that needs to be and should be done! I completed 2 books and am anxious to start another! The moving process will be complete next week!!!!! AND I have had some extraordinary times with friends and family! I just subscribed to the Writer's Market online and have found it to be an extremely useful site for anyone interested in writing and finding a job centered around writing!!!

When I finished Krauss's The History of Love, I was speechless and left with an overwhelming adoration of her writing and style! Is loneliness ever so bad? I could not be happier that Dr. Sexson recommended this book!

I have met some extraordinary people this last year, or I should say the last five years, in Montana. Who would have guessed that so much talent could be held in that small town!

Back to the job search, reading, writing, and enjoying today.... but first one of my favorite passages from Krauss's book:

"At times I believed that the last page of my book and the last page of my life were one and the same, that when my book ended I'd end, a great wind would sweep through my rooms carrying the pages away, and when the air cleared of all those fluttering white sheets the room would be silent, the chair where I sat empty."

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dreamer


Thoughts of you cloud my mind tonight
Wanting to sleep is it real or not
My dreams are my reality,
Reality my dreams. Or not?
Can I sleep to forget all this?
Wake up, fog lifted. Hello and goodbye.
Why do you call to me? I will tell you no.
Deep sigh I step into this world.
Off an edge, an unknown bliss.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Just a face in the pond


I walked Down the street in the early morning light.
Juggling books, phone, scone, and coffee. It splashes and burns leaving my hand red and throbbing.
The sunlight shot between the buildings, bouncing off cars as they passed slowly. 
I caught a glimpse of a girl I knew. 
A girl I thought I knew. But it couldn't have been. 
This girl was tired and sad. Her head was down, shaded by her hair.
Sunglasses hid her normally bright eyes that had now turned a dull grey.
A forced half smile that cried for RELIEF replaced the gleaming space    Where ruckus laughter used to erupt.
She passed by quickly, not saying a word.
I turned the corner- looking back and she was gone. 
On that old abandoned bench, I sat. I paged through eliot's wasteland.
Closing my eyes and breathing, The cool morning air refreshed me. The sun relaxed me. I faded into a dream.
I needed something more. Desired something more. 
Heading back towards town, I contemplated Beckett. Too absurd. Something else.
Windows glared from the sunlight of the late afternoon. 
I could get more coffee, but I'd be up all night. 
Thumbing through the dusty books. Old ones crumbling like dried up leaves rested near new ones, craving to be touched and used over and over. 
Poe. That might do. Something dark.
Drifting through town that night as the fog moved in, I felt a presence. 
I turned around and saw nothing, but something stirred in the air, yet their was not even the most subtle of breezes. 
The moonlight created faint shadows that danced among the trees. 
I edged towards the pond. Just clear enough. 
I gazed down, trying to see to the bottom but Vegetation and ripples obscured my vision.
The moonlight danced on the water. There she lay at the bottom, among the rocks. Powder white, sadness frozen upon her face.
I reached in to save her. She disappeared. She is both dead and living. Staring back at me.
I call it day. Rest my head only pillow. Her face haunts my dreams. I wake, wanting no more to dream. 
And another sun rises.

Friday, April 8, 2011


I was lucky enough to sit and listen to Henry Real Bird speak on writing and life. He spoke with emotion and hope, from experiences of his life, and he was a great inspiration to us all.

"Me, I do not look like myself, I am lonesome"
I had to put my head down, hearing these words. I looked at my reflection and saw nothing satisfying today. I saw nothing that even remotely resembled me. I was able to ponder that a bit, then brush it off thinking it was probably just fatigue. Walking into class though someone looked at me and said, "Are you doing ok? You look horrible!" My eyes welled up because I knew he was right. This time I couldn't let it go. I had realized that how I was truly feeling was catching up and was as transparent as glass. I have a lot of reflecting to do, but not even this blog will suffice at the moment.

"Thought is from the shadow of the flame"

"Whatever we do, the good and the bad are there."
I have accepted the good AND bad in the people I love, I wouldn't change a thing. But it's hard to love someone who can't accept it themselves.

Monday, April 4, 2011

"We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow"


I just read Shel Silverstein's "where the sidewalk ends", I have not read his poems for years but picked it up tonight. This poem specifically took on a whole new meaning for me. I am finding that my sidewalk is coming to an end as well. But I think instead of cautiously approaching the end, I need to simply run, skip, jump and risk the fall. Children and their carefree smiles, days of playing only are such an inspiration.

"Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends."



I also read his poem, invitation. I have always loved this poem, possibly one of my favorites!

INVITATION

"If you are a dreamer, come in.
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire,
For we have some flax golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!"

Flames rise from the fire and I decide which to fill my night with, Silverstein or Eliot. Difficult decision but I could add some fun and lightheartedness to my week- Silverstein it is!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Words for everything



"and the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"


"I want to say somewhere: I've tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satsfaction in bitterness...I was a human cancer. And to be honest: I wasn't really angry. Not anymore. I had left my anger somewhere long ago. Put it down on a park bench and walked away. And yet. It had been so long, I didn't know any other way of being. One day I woke up and said to myself: 'it's not too late.' The first days were strange. I let go and something let go of me."
~ The History of Love

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Monday, March 21, 2011

"The only way out of the rabbit hole is through it"


It has probably been weeks since i did any serious journaling. When i am at home, it's not that i don't feel the need to journal, I simply just don't do it quite as much. I stay so busy, thoroughly (though not completely) distracted from my deeper, hidden, tormenting emotions. I am happy, I laugh, I love, I see my world through completely different eyes. I am distracted by those who love me and show it. I am supported, accepted, wanted. I feel like a different person when i am home than when i am in Montana. When i am in Bozeman i feel as if i search for recognition, acceptance. There's  always something, someone holding me back. The most challenging thing is that i know i am LETTING it hold me back. Why? Because it is overpowering, it has more control over me than i do myself. 

I have applied to 2 jobs. Looking back, that's more than i did after graduating last may. I applied for real life jobs. I am finally ready to leave bozeman with nothing holding me back. I am not hesitant. Sad? Yes! I hate to say its over, but I honestly believe that for me to be the person i deserve to be, i need to leave. Escape. succeed. Flourish! 

I have a life somewhere that has been patiently waiting for me. As i am journaling in this moment, with these thoughts and realizations, my eyes are welling up with tears. Goodbyes are sad, difficult. Goodbyes are always my weakness and I acknowledge that. But i am tearing up for noticing my strengths and allowing myself to use them. I recognize my weaknesses and use them as well to better myself as a person. I am imperfect. I love my imperfections. Closing my eyes, i saw a light. I saw a path. It was my future. Visions fade in and out of my mind as i accept this path ahead of me, choosing to walk it with my chin up, rather than turn it into a dead end or turn around for fear of what might be along it or at the end of it when i reach that point. I saw a quote that struck me instantly with mixed emotions. I dreaded the journey i was realizing i have to take, but realistically, this quote showed me exactly what was true "the only way out of the rabbit hole is through it". Right now, i am in a rabbit hole (metaphorically of course), all i have to do is push through, keep going and soon, I will reach a destination with many more choices, freedoms...a new life. Into the light.

Time: Past. Present. Future. I will conquer them all. Looking to the past, i learn from my mistakes, cherish Every experience i was given. I can still feel the pain, taste the tears and hear the words that hurt me most but I am Thankful to have the ability to remember. I see the good, feel the love i was shown and the love i gave. I smile remembering my family, friends, the joys and the sorrows. I lived my past and continue to breathe. I accept the present. I know that though the present exists only in the here and now, the past and future i hold at the front of my mind blend into it. The future- a completely unknown place that i have always taken for granted. It is a challenge, more pain and more joys. Laughter and tears. Looking at the past, i see that my future holds not just dreams but the rest of my life. 

What will i say in my future? What do i want to say and do?  Who will i be? As i applied for jobs this weekend i felt stressed, but most of all i felt hope. Hope for simply me. I can go somewhere, do something, change, embrace new experiences. I move forward knowing that the challenges are not over. Moving does not mean I am free, but that i am willing to let go and do something that was once just a dream. Excitement. Relief. Hesitance. Fear. Confident. I would rather feel too much than feel nothing at all. 
Cheers to yesterday, today and the rest of the moments that i will be blessed with.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

this crowned knot of fire


As I said in one of my earlier blogs, I just have to fake it in order to make it. This I have realized can have very positive outcomes and very negative outcomes! If I fake it, I do in fact make it! Each day, it helps me get through. If I smile, no one asks questions (except it's rare to see that smile, so if I am for some reason smiling....it seems odd- sad realization). My days go moment to moment. I don't think that I had ever experienced that moment to moment feeling until recently. Everything can change so quickly in my days. A card or hug gives me hope and relief. A poem or a song can bring me to tears within seconds, no matter how happy I may have been. I try to push through.

I feel more selfish than I have before. Today- I woke up to a smiling baby, enjoyed beautiful drives through the mountains (even seeing a baby and mama moose), a lovely lunch with the most perfect friend a girl could have. This warm sunny day ended with a "family fun night" at Moonlight Basin complete with sledding, s'mores, a bonfire and great family. Down time, more loving from a perfect baby and some journaling in front of the fireplace. So what on Earth do I have to be unhappy about???? Happiness should come easily to me looking at this simple, yet amazing list of things I was surrounded with. I feel so guilty for not indulging and loving every second of this life that I was given today.

My eyes water, I can't even tell anymore if it is from pure exhaustion or tears of sadness. Does it matter?
I am searching for the strength to hurt less, endure more, and love without fear. I am reading Eliot's Four Quartets. While I have read this sacred text innumerable times, I found that each of those times I was loved and in love. Now I find myself reading it in a completely different way. Loss, despair, sadness, and torment consume me. My tears fall onto the page but I do nothing to stop them. I can feel moments burning slowly inside me- falling like embers, disintegrating slowly. Something is dying inside of me.

I can't find what else to say, I sit here staring at these flames, rising higher and higher, burning through my soul as I recite these words that will not leave me:

"And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."

Friday, March 11, 2011

No more a memory, but a vision


"MY heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains  
  My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,  
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains  
  One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:  
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,          
  But being too happy in thine happiness,  
    That thou, light-wingèd Dryad of the trees,  
          In some melodious plot  
  Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,  
    Singest of summer in full-throated ease."


I am here. Surrounded by deep flourishing evergreens. A wave of relief washes over me, distracting me from everything that once was, bringing me to the here and now of my life. What is and what will be. I have a vision, a feeling like dancing. I am weightless in this world that weighs me down. I breathe, the cool air spiraling through my lungs, filling me with delight. I can run, I can dream, and will never again hide from this most beautiful and blessed life. I am....i will be...thank you...


 "Was it a vision, or a waking dream?  
 Fled is that music:—do I wake or sleep?"
-John Keats

The element of freedom


‎"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight and closed in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"

Closure is a funny thing. It's something we hope for, then when we get it and we don't know what to do with it. With closure comes tears...sometimes nearly 12 hours straight of tears. I thought finalizing things...relationships was so much easier than it really is. i keep telling myself it is for the best, that perhaps i won't love the same but I am hopeful that this process of "loving and losing" makes me a stronger person.

I am starting a new life in a way. It is a life with less of some things, but oh so much more of other things. the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day today. What is right is not always easy. Yesterday it took me realizing that what i wanted to do and what i had to do were two very diffeerent things. I still do not comprehend evything that i wish i did but sometimes silence is better than meaningless words on a page, in a sentence or a thought.

Driving last night, I found the good and bad in love. I laughed, cried, talked and listened. I answer and i question, mostly i question. The pain I am feeling is something i never ever thought i would feel. Never before has hurt taken over me the way it has the last few months. My god, nearly the last year. I can't help but think that i would do anything to protect anyone from feeling this way, especially my nieces. I look at them as they drift off to sleep, dreaming of this fairytale life full of unicorns, fairies and prince charmings. Part of me wants to awaken them from these false hopes, but what i really want is for them to experience this life. I want them to love without fear and to protect them from ever suffering a broken heart. Impossible. My belief in them is stronger than that. They will persevere, i will teach them.

Letting go is taking a deep breath, walking with my chin up, letting tears stream down my face and embracing that moment of weakness and strength encompassing me at once.

Instead of worrying, i will indulge in more poetry, art, blissful walks, writing, breathing...LIVING!

I am spreading my wings, for the first time i am absolutely and completely free of the one thing that chained me down for so long. I am free of the feeling that i will never be able to put into words. I will carry that love i once had with me and smile knowing that I captured the feeling fully enough to hold onto without letting it hold me down.

Here's to a new beginning and the strength to let go.

Monday, March 7, 2011

sinking


Maybe i jumped off the boat too quickly and forgot the life preserver...I am drowning in this town.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Let the rain fall

Starting now. I am beginning to cleanse my mind of stressors, slowly, one by one. Constantly having certain issues weighing on my mind is exhausting, both physically and mentally. I realize more and more each day that I need to really let go. Its not enough to simply say that i will, but the act of actually doing it is what counts. Mentally, i have been preparing myself. This is probably the hardest task because so many of my thoughts contradict each other.

All of this deeper thinking came about on my way to work today. My counseling appointment this afternoon presented a whirlwind of emotions. I don't think i will ever understand how it is possible to feel so many emotions within so little time. The human mind and emotions are 2 very complex parts of life. I will never attempt to unravel those complexities because i secretly am attracted to them.

Physically, i am rearranging, cleaning out, getting rid of things and planning a few things out on paper to post around my apartment. I am breathing a sigh of relief knowing that I will be taking baby steps to find a happier me :) I am anticipating what it will fell like, a light, fluttery and confident feeling. All i can think of is john Keats and his image of the butterfly. So free, so lively. Perhaps it was but 3 days of joy, but that is all i could ever ask for.

I am beginning now. I will be. I will live. I will love at least myself, if nothing else.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Going down in this up world

Gone
"When you leave, everything will remind me of you.
When you’re gone, the smell of your cologne will continue to be the scent lying in the air.
When you’re gone everything that enters my mouth will remind me of the kisses we shared.
When you’re gone, every little object I pass by will posses me with memories we’ve left behind.
When you’re gone, every cut, bump, and bruise will torture me, like the pain you left behind.
When you’re gone, I hope you’ll realize how you broke my heart."


Some may think this is far from poetry, those are the ones that can't put their heart into it, to feel and write and mean something when they feel like talking.

The weekend is here-dreaded. The days drone on, but the nights are worst- not sleeping, thinking, reading, writing, preparing for another day. Thank god this week is over, what better way to end it than by escaping this town. I am walking up a down escalator.

I am being brought back to previous months that I think i lived. Each day i feel disconnected from myself and separating dream and reality is not often easy. I have come full circle- fake it to make it. I am thinking of negative capability right now. A process of emptying out, just to fill up again. With what, I am not quite sure. I indulge with friends then feel the guilt that follows. It's not even indulging, it's living. In a world of expectations, I finally stopped caring.

I keep running and then i stop. I realize, i always hated running. I never was any good at it.

Friday, February 18, 2011

To do:

I am absolutely ecstatic that it is Friday! Tis has been such a long, draining week. I feel like even this night is carrying on- never ending...

School killed me this week...well, it killed my brain, not me. The classes i want to focus on seem to take back burner and larger projects and exams clearly take priority. But I finally realized that i am sick of "priority". I need to reassess here and figure out what should be moved to the bottom of the list, even if that involves smearing some ink around.

This weekend will be a weekend of remembering, moving on, reinventing and assessing the world encompassing me...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Love laws

I judge this book i am reading. I have been heard saying "i hate this book!" that's not appropriate, i shouldn't say those things. I decided that maybe to begin to appreciate it i should go back, start over and focus on an idea that while i may not like it, i could at least understand it. This is why I settle on "love laws".

Love laws:
"the laws that lay down who should be loved, and how. And how much."

Sad. That is all I could think. Who is to say that only certain people get love and how much they give? The bitter side of me is saying...."damn straight! Not everyone does deserve that love! They don't deserve ANY love!" then the other part of me is thinking that some people really do need more love than others. Some don't know how to love or be loved. I cant answer as to why but the word "fear" keeps popping into the forefront of my mind.

Reading this book for the second time, i am realizing what a grand theme love is. How did this escape me before? It's everywhere! I included some quotes that are my favorite. No, they don't evoke that deep intellectual thought as other works of literature might but they do produce feelings and emotions deep within that stir as you read the lines. That is what made me LOVE this book.

"D'you know what happens when you hurt people? When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.". I think it is safe to say that i have learned my lesson here. Sadly, I admit my words have had the power to do this. Some people say actions speak louder than words, i. Don't know if i can say the same.

"she liked to believe that he had never loved her in the first place."

"she was 27 that year, and in the pit of here stomach she carried the cold knowledge that, for her, life had been lived. She had had one chance. She made a mistake. She married the wrong man."

"they had loved a man to death"

The god of small things

http://www.subtwenty.com/diego/images/two%20faces%20painting.JPG

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Journal.

I have added to my collection of journals. This time, it is on my ipad. Yes, maybe i am obsessed with my new piece of technology (it's like my child) but it has opened my eyes to something new completely. A new piece of myself.

Discovery #1: I type faster on my ipad than I do my computer.
Discovery #2: The act of writing can never be replaced
Discovery #3: It looks like I am working...but I am not.

"and the sky where without seeing them I felt the first stars tremble"
~Beckett

When I started journaling on my ipad, this is the first quote that came to my mind. I could not see what I was feeling, but it was there inside me trembling, wanting to escape. But who wants that burden? I can tell you who SHOULD have that burden. Sometimes not what you see and but you can simply feel are the most powerful things. Leonard Cohen's "In my Secret Life" ironically started playing on my computer. Ironic because I feel like what I write and who I am when I go about in every day life are two very different people. My journal IS my secret life. The one I have, the one I want, the one I yearn to escape from.



I haven't really been able to cry as horrible as my last few days have been. I am too numb to show emotion of most sorts. I feel anger, sadness, disappointment, hurt. Most of all I feel blame. I blame myself for so much of this hurt that I could have avoided in some way. I think when I realized this during my art therapy yesterday is the first time I really wanted to cry. I always question how someone else could hurt me so badly, but on the flip side, how could I allow them to hurt me so badly? Let. Me. Go.

Today:
I found a penny heads up but left it for someone else...

Today. My day. Rejuvenation. Still I feel "numb" in some way, empty. But content. Early morning wake-up call....fabulous! I actually danced around with a smile on my face getting ready this morning. That doesn't happen often anymore. Rarely, to be honest. I made my exit out of town...class? No thanks, not today. Instead I took a long soothing drive. Snow falling slowly, winding roads and new music. Ascending into this "undiscovered" area, perhaps a surprise waiting around one of these bends. Or an answer? I don't know what I was expecting. I got more hills, more snow, more relief. The further I was from town, the better I began to feel.

After a fabulous candlelit dinner last night, I decided to stay on track with eating something...at least once a day. Just to get started. Choppers. Hmm..what did they say? oh yes, "grub and pub". Could anything else suffice after a morning of mountain exploring? No! Feeling good, I went all out. A classy pairing of Shiraz and waffle fries....YES! How could I not? When was the last time I indulged with fries??? Too long. I thought that 11:30am was the perfect time for wine as well...actually 11am sounded better but they had not opened.
It was all so wonderful! Food, drink, a friend! We had an open, humorous conversation about life and its little adventures. I felt Merry. At one point, conversation had come to a pause, we both looked out the window into the grey sky, the snow falling slowly. It was pure peace, all I had been wanting.

My day was open, I could go anywhere, do anything but I longed to return to Bozeman (in a way). Why? Why do I escape, just to run back? Well, I didn't run but I DID escape a speeding ticket! Thank God because my insurance is expired...I WIN!

Nails done, hot cocoa and blogging. I may be content, but not complete. It was my day, it IS my day. Trying so hard to grasp that, all I want to do is crawl back into my bed, sleep, stay there until I am ready to pack up and leave. I enjoyed today, but I forced myself to. I refuse to let that be what my happiness is.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

My yellow brick road is all of a sudden a dirt road that is becoming overgrown with weeds. My path, my desires, my hopes for the future were so clear to me before this weekend. I was determined, happy go lucky. I was honestly ready to take on this world if need be. But that control spun around and slapped me in the face, then it seems that it kicked me as i was down.

I feel sick to my stomach every day. I run as fast, as hard as i can. It is all I can do to "get away" it seems. I feel like I don't necessarily need a vacation, but I need a mental awakening.

"When i leave this time, it's for keeps...this is goodbye"

I don't need to put the pieces back together, I just need a whole new puzzle. A new road. Cheers to a new beginning I hope.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Music...

Listening to this song o repeat gives me a sense of relief. The first time i heard it, i couldn't finish it. Now, i can't stop hitting the repeat on my ipod. The day before i heard this song, i was thinking about how i finally said the rods out loud...."I'm done." not with hesitance or relief or sadness, I just said it. I knew that i had to just stop for a few moments, days, weeks and collect the person that i am, not who i could be. When i heard this song, i thought it was a bit eerie how it encompassed all the emotions and thoughts i had, but it has become a motivator for me now. I can "be done" and maybe it will all be great, maybe it won't.


Greg Laswell - The One I Love

i'm all packed up now early in the morning
i'll take my leave
i'll bring your words along with me
maybe one day they will mean something
for now they buzz and crumble down
a little bit too easily
from a time that i am not quite over
what the hell is wrong with me
i might be gone a little while
i guess we'll see
i gotta make a home outta somewhere
and you're all over this city
and it'll take a flight to figure out
where i'm gonna finally land
and the time it takes for me to get there
i'll be one to start again
but i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from
the only thing i want
yeah, i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from the one i love
and if the plane lifts off
i'll write you a letter, to say goodbye
and i will make it long and maybe lie just a little
tell you that i'm doing fine
then i'll send it out and let things be
if not for you
for me and for the time i've spent foolishly loving thee
but i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from
the only thing i want
yeah, i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from the one i love

Hand in hand


Yesterday, in my shakespeare class, we had group presentations about a midsummer nights dream- act 5. Smeone brought up the point that Shakespeare's works are so deep and he writes to entertain and to pull at an array of emotions. I completely agree but i did however disagree with them when they said that he wants us to feel love or sadness, happiness or pain. I couldn't help thinking that those emotions go hand in hand. With love, there is sadness, and pain with happiness. Our emotions do not stand alone they unite, all at once can we completely feel only one emotion? Perhaps, some of us have never sat down to think about this but it is a really interesting idea to me.

"it's not about what actually happened, it's about the love."

~L

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more"


The title of this post is the ending of a wonderful, wonderful quote:

"love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why we are all so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for it. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

I think I realize this now more than ever but i can't help asking myself, "when do i stop risking? How much do i honestly have to risk before I lose? What will i lose?" I don't know if it is me or a lot of people but i feel like i have a hell of a lot more questions than answers. Sometimes it is frustrating, but at the very least it keeps me thinking and searching. All of my questions are like a yellow brick road, constantly on this journey- not necessarily searching for oz...but something of the sort.

All i can think in my head right now is...should i really have skipped class and... "rejection is a beast". Seriously, that is me putting it very nicely. I am so thankful that i have such a wonderful set of friends and my family. I think the long drive home might be much needed soon to see everyone and expose myself to some of that sweet, sweet family love.

I am going to start a collage next week, but i feel that this weekend will be a weekend of just me...my homework, writing, limited artistic abilities and perhaps a lot more sleep since that is clearly lacking.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Serenity

Last night, I finally felt something I have not felt in a long time. I don't even think there is just ONE word to describe it. It was peace. Comfort. Sometimes there are people who can make you smile, ease the loneliness. But sometimes all it really takes is one person to get you through, providing that safe haven where you can say or do anything. I had that last night. But I realized in a moment, nothing really has to be said, a touch can say more than a million words ever could. I feel so relieved I could cry- I was happier for one night than I had been in months.

But left again with a sort of emptiness.
Here is to another night...perhaps not quite as comforting as the last.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Love and beauty

"I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days- three such days with you i could fill with More delight than fifty common years could ever contain."

John Keats, i could not stop reading Keats' poetry last night. His words disappear from the page and drift above me. It prompted me to go rent the movie bright star...again. When i am reading Keats i can disappear into another world completely as if nothing but his words exist.

I am amazed by the existence of love and beauty...beauty in love. So much is contained in those two words, i can't begin to explain their value.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Circles


I guess i truly realized this week that in fact the earth really must be round. Why? Well, to start i am constantly running in circles, tilted to the side- making a great attempt at balancing. I tried buying new shoes...I think it helped. At the moment i am sitting in this eerily quiet, seemingly dead library but i can't help but smile. We all have our up days and down days. No matter what the day, rain or shine though we must put on our best, most fashionable pair of shoes (i prefer boots) and keep running. A fabulously upbeat playlist helps. I just have to remind myself to not run too far ahead or I might fall off the edge!

"Today i had a conversation with my true self. She asked me why I had abandoned her, why I had ignored all her constant advice. And then she reminded me of all the things I had forgotten. And never once did she say 'I told you so'"

Tonight...writing and wine

~L

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Just a globe on a string

I can't help but thinking about an introduction on Shakespeare I read. It was talking about how we are all just on this globe, hanging there amongst everything else in the universe (in reference to his globe theatre). So many instances in this world leave us hanging in the midst of so many things. When do we cut the string to begin our free fall into the unknown? Is that even possible?

Here I sit. I am hanging by this thread. Just waiting for that string to break.

Haunted

The first week of school was wonderful! I love, love all of my classes!! I am so excited to be engaging with other students and completing school work...interesting I know. While this week has been exciting, it has also been completely exhausting. Is it all the excitement? The adjustment of dealing with solely a baby and suddenly I am stimulated by horribly busy days and friends? I don't know...I can't pin point it but the haunting dreams each night do not help my restlessness.

I have done so much writing and so much reflecting since starting school again. In class I was able to answer the question of how writing will fit into my future. Of course this is something that i have thought about but never TRULY thought about. I made a list of how I want writing to play a role in my future. This led me to a thought about a future that is creeping up on me quicker than I can think. I couldn't run fast enough (though my fierce kick boxing skills I am learning may help)! What do I want to do? Where should I go? All these questions linger. There are no strings tying me down to any action I take.

In sleep, I may be haunted, but I think I can still escape.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Coco

"As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!"
~Coco Chanel