Going down in this up world

Gone
"When you leave, everything will remind me of you.
When you’re gone, the smell of your cologne will continue to be the scent lying in the air.
When you’re gone everything that enters my mouth will remind me of the kisses we shared.
When you’re gone, every little object I pass by will posses me with memories we’ve left behind.
When you’re gone, every cut, bump, and bruise will torture me, like the pain you left behind.
When you’re gone, I hope you’ll realize how you broke my heart."


Some may think this is far from poetry, those are the ones that can't put their heart into it, to feel and write and mean something when they feel like talking.

The weekend is here-dreaded. The days drone on, but the nights are worst- not sleeping, thinking, reading, writing, preparing for another day. Thank god this week is over, what better way to end it than by escaping this town. I am walking up a down escalator.

I am being brought back to previous months that I think i lived. Each day i feel disconnected from myself and separating dream and reality is not often easy. I have come full circle- fake it to make it. I am thinking of negative capability right now. A process of emptying out, just to fill up again. With what, I am not quite sure. I indulge with friends then feel the guilt that follows. It's not even indulging, it's living. In a world of expectations, I finally stopped caring.

I keep running and then i stop. I realize, i always hated running. I never was any good at it.

To do:

I am absolutely ecstatic that it is Friday! Tis has been such a long, draining week. I feel like even this night is carrying on- never ending...

School killed me this week...well, it killed my brain, not me. The classes i want to focus on seem to take back burner and larger projects and exams clearly take priority. But I finally realized that i am sick of "priority". I need to reassess here and figure out what should be moved to the bottom of the list, even if that involves smearing some ink around.

This weekend will be a weekend of remembering, moving on, reinventing and assessing the world encompassing me...

Love laws

I judge this book i am reading. I have been heard saying "i hate this book!" that's not appropriate, i shouldn't say those things. I decided that maybe to begin to appreciate it i should go back, start over and focus on an idea that while i may not like it, i could at least understand it. This is why I settle on "love laws".

Love laws:
"the laws that lay down who should be loved, and how. And how much."

Sad. That is all I could think. Who is to say that only certain people get love and how much they give? The bitter side of me is saying...."damn straight! Not everyone does deserve that love! They don't deserve ANY love!" then the other part of me is thinking that some people really do need more love than others. Some don't know how to love or be loved. I cant answer as to why but the word "fear" keeps popping into the forefront of my mind.

Reading this book for the second time, i am realizing what a grand theme love is. How did this escape me before? It's everywhere! I included some quotes that are my favorite. No, they don't evoke that deep intellectual thought as other works of literature might but they do produce feelings and emotions deep within that stir as you read the lines. That is what made me LOVE this book.

"D'you know what happens when you hurt people? When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.". I think it is safe to say that i have learned my lesson here. Sadly, I admit my words have had the power to do this. Some people say actions speak louder than words, i. Don't know if i can say the same.

"she liked to believe that he had never loved her in the first place."

"she was 27 that year, and in the pit of here stomach she carried the cold knowledge that, for her, life had been lived. She had had one chance. She made a mistake. She married the wrong man."

"they had loved a man to death"

The god of small things

http://www.subtwenty.com/diego/images/two%20faces%20painting.JPG

The Journal.

I have added to my collection of journals. This time, it is on my ipad. Yes, maybe i am obsessed with my new piece of technology (it's like my child) but it has opened my eyes to something new completely. A new piece of myself.

Discovery #1: I type faster on my ipad than I do my computer.
Discovery #2: The act of writing can never be replaced
Discovery #3: It looks like I am working...but I am not.

"and the sky where without seeing them I felt the first stars tremble"
~Beckett

When I started journaling on my ipad, this is the first quote that came to my mind. I could not see what I was feeling, but it was there inside me trembling, wanting to escape. But who wants that burden? I can tell you who SHOULD have that burden. Sometimes not what you see and but you can simply feel are the most powerful things. Leonard Cohen's "In my Secret Life" ironically started playing on my computer. Ironic because I feel like what I write and who I am when I go about in every day life are two very different people. My journal IS my secret life. The one I have, the one I want, the one I yearn to escape from.

I haven't really been able to cry as horrible as my last few days have been. I am too numb to show emotion of most sorts. I feel anger, sadness, disappointment, hurt. Most of all I feel blame. I blame myself for so much of this hurt that I could have avoided in some way. I think when I realized this during my art therapy yesterday is the first time I really wanted to cry. I always question how someone else could hurt me so badly, but on the flip side, how could I allow them to hurt me so badly? Let. Me. Go.

Today:
I found a penny heads up but left it for someone else...

Today. My day. Rejuvenation. Still I feel "numb" in some way, empty. But content. Early morning wake-up call....fabulous! I actually danced around with a smile on my face getting ready this morning. That doesn't happen often anymore. Rarely, to be honest. I made my exit out of town...class? No thanks, not today. Instead I took a long soothing drive. Snow falling slowly, winding roads and new music. Ascending into this "undiscovered" area, perhaps a surprise waiting around one of these bends. Or an answer? I don't know what I was expecting. I got more hills, more snow, more relief. The further I was from town, the better I began to feel.

After a fabulous candlelit dinner last night, I decided to stay on track with eating something...at least once a day. Just to get started. Choppers. Hmm..what did they say? oh yes, "grub and pub". Could anything else suffice after a morning of mountain exploring? No! Feeling good, I went all out. A classy pairing of Shiraz and waffle fries....YES! How could I not? When was the last time I indulged with fries??? Too long. I thought that 11:30am was the perfect time for wine as well...actually 11am sounded better but they had not opened.
It was all so wonderful! Food, drink, a friend! We had an open, humorous conversation about life and its little adventures. I felt Merry. At one point, conversation had come to a pause, we both looked out the window into the grey sky, the snow falling slowly. It was pure peace, all I had been wanting.

My day was open, I could go anywhere, do anything but I longed to return to Bozeman (in a way). Why? Why do I escape, just to run back? Well, I didn't run but I DID escape a speeding ticket! Thank God because my insurance is expired...I WIN!

Nails done, hot cocoa and blogging. I may be content, but not complete. It was my day, it IS my day. Trying so hard to grasp that, all I want to do is crawl back into my bed, sleep, stay there until I am ready to pack up and leave. I enjoyed today, but I forced myself to. I refuse to let that be what my happiness is.

My yellow brick road is all of a sudden a dirt road that is becoming overgrown with weeds. My path, my desires, my hopes for the future were so clear to me before this weekend. I was determined, happy go lucky. I was honestly ready to take on this world if need be. But that control spun around and slapped me in the face, then it seems that it kicked me as i was down.

I feel sick to my stomach every day. I run as fast, as hard as i can. It is all I can do to "get away" it seems. I feel like I don't necessarily need a vacation, but I need a mental awakening.

"When i leave this time, it's for keeps...this is goodbye"

I don't need to put the pieces back together, I just need a whole new puzzle. A new road. Cheers to a new beginning I hope.

Music...

Listening to this song o repeat gives me a sense of relief. The first time i heard it, i couldn't finish it. Now, i can't stop hitting the repeat on my ipod. The day before i heard this song, i was thinking about how i finally said the rods out loud...."I'm done." not with hesitance or relief or sadness, I just said it. I knew that i had to just stop for a few moments, days, weeks and collect the person that i am, not who i could be. When i heard this song, i thought it was a bit eerie how it encompassed all the emotions and thoughts i had, but it has become a motivator for me now. I can "be done" and maybe it will all be great, maybe it won't.


Greg Laswell - The One I Love

i'm all packed up now early in the morning
i'll take my leave
i'll bring your words along with me
maybe one day they will mean something
for now they buzz and crumble down
a little bit too easily
from a time that i am not quite over
what the hell is wrong with me
i might be gone a little while
i guess we'll see
i gotta make a home outta somewhere
and you're all over this city
and it'll take a flight to figure out
where i'm gonna finally land
and the time it takes for me to get there
i'll be one to start again
but i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from
the only thing i want
yeah, i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from the one i love
and if the plane lifts off
i'll write you a letter, to say goodbye
and i will make it long and maybe lie just a little
tell you that i'm doing fine
then i'll send it out and let things be
if not for you
for me and for the time i've spent foolishly loving thee
but i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from
the only thing i want
yeah, i should probably say that i'm unsure why i'm running
running away from the one i love

Hand in hand

Yesterday, in my shakespeare class, we had group presentations about a midsummer nights dream- act 5. Smeone brought up the point that Shakespeare's works are so deep and he writes to entertain and to pull at an array of emotions. I completely agree but i did however disagree with them when they said that he wants us to feel love or sadness, happiness or pain. I couldn't help thinking that those emotions go hand in hand. With love, there is sadness, and pain with happiness. Our emotions do not stand alone they unite, all at once can we completely feel only one emotion? Perhaps, some of us have never sat down to think about this but it is a really interesting idea to me.

"it's not about what actually happened, it's about the love."

~L

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more"

The title of this post is the ending of a wonderful, wonderful quote:

"love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why we are all so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for it. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

I think I realize this now more than ever but i can't help asking myself, "when do i stop risking? How much do i honestly have to risk before I lose? What will i lose?" I don't know if it is me or a lot of people but i feel like i have a hell of a lot more questions than answers. Sometimes it is frustrating, but at the very least it keeps me thinking and searching. All of my questions are like a yellow brick road, constantly on this journey- not necessarily searching for oz...but something of the sort.

All i can think in my head right now is...should i really have skipped class and... "rejection is a beast". Seriously, that is me putting it very nicely. I am so thankful that i have such a wonderful set of friends and my family. I think the long drive home might be much needed soon to see everyone and expose myself to some of that sweet, sweet family love.

I am going to start a collage next week, but i feel that this weekend will be a weekend of just me...my homework, writing, limited artistic abilities and perhaps a lot more sleep since that is clearly lacking.