I haven't really been able to cry as horrible as my last few days have been. I am too numb to show emotion of most sorts. I feel anger, sadness, disappointment, hurt. Most of all I feel blame. I blame myself for so much of this hurt that I could have avoided in some way. I think when I realized this during my art therapy yesterday is the first time I really wanted to cry. I always question how someone else could hurt me so badly, but on the flip side, how could I allow them to hurt me so badly? Let. Me. Go.

Today:
I found a penny heads up but left it for someone else...

Today. My day. Rejuvenation. Still I feel "numb" in some way, empty. But content. Early morning wake-up call....fabulous! I actually danced around with a smile on my face getting ready this morning. That doesn't happen often anymore. Rarely, to be honest. I made my exit out of town...class? No thanks, not today. Instead I took a long soothing drive. Snow falling slowly, winding roads and new music. Ascending into this "undiscovered" area, perhaps a surprise waiting around one of these bends. Or an answer? I don't know what I was expecting. I got more hills, more snow, more relief. The further I was from town, the better I began to feel.

After a fabulous candlelit dinner last night, I decided to stay on track with eating something...at least once a day. Just to get started. Choppers. Hmm..what did they say? oh yes, "grub and pub". Could anything else suffice after a morning of mountain exploring? No! Feeling good, I went all out. A classy pairing of Shiraz and waffle fries....YES! How could I not? When was the last time I indulged with fries??? Too long. I thought that 11:30am was the perfect time for wine as well...actually 11am sounded better but they had not opened.
It was all so wonderful! Food, drink, a friend! We had an open, humorous conversation about life and its little adventures. I felt Merry. At one point, conversation had come to a pause, we both looked out the window into the grey sky, the snow falling slowly. It was pure peace, all I had been wanting.

My day was open, I could go anywhere, do anything but I longed to return to Bozeman (in a way). Why? Why do I escape, just to run back? Well, I didn't run but I DID escape a speeding ticket! Thank God because my insurance is expired...I WIN!

Nails done, hot cocoa and blogging. I may be content, but not complete. It was my day, it IS my day. Trying so hard to grasp that, all I want to do is crawl back into my bed, sleep, stay there until I am ready to pack up and leave. I enjoyed today, but I forced myself to. I refuse to let that be what my happiness is.