The element of freedom

‎"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight and closed in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"

Closure is a funny thing. It's something we hope for, then when we get it and we don't know what to do with it. With closure comes tears...sometimes nearly 12 hours straight of tears. I thought finalizing things...relationships was so much easier than it really is. i keep telling myself it is for the best, that perhaps i won't love the same but I am hopeful that this process of "loving and losing" makes me a stronger person.

I am starting a new life in a way. It is a life with less of some things, but oh so much more of other things. the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day today. What is right is not always easy. Yesterday it took me realizing that what i wanted to do and what i had to do were two very diffeerent things. I still do not comprehend evything that i wish i did but sometimes silence is better than meaningless words on a page, in a sentence or a thought.

Driving last night, I found the good and bad in love. I laughed, cried, talked and listened. I answer and i question, mostly i question. The pain I am feeling is something i never ever thought i would feel. Never before has hurt taken over me the way it has the last few months. My god, nearly the last year. I can't help but think that i would do anything to protect anyone from feeling this way, especially my nieces. I look at them as they drift off to sleep, dreaming of this fairytale life full of unicorns, fairies and prince charmings. Part of me wants to awaken them from these false hopes, but what i really want is for them to experience this life. I want them to love without fear and to protect them from ever suffering a broken heart. Impossible. My belief in them is stronger than that. They will persevere, i will teach them.

Letting go is taking a deep breath, walking with my chin up, letting tears stream down my face and embracing that moment of weakness and strength encompassing me at once.

Instead of worrying, i will indulge in more poetry, art, blissful walks, writing, breathing...LIVING!

I am spreading my wings, for the first time i am absolutely and completely free of the one thing that chained me down for so long. I am free of the feeling that i will never be able to put into words. I will carry that love i once had with me and smile knowing that I captured the feeling fully enough to hold onto without letting it hold me down.

Here's to a new beginning and the strength to let go.