It has probably been weeks since i did any serious journaling. When i am at home, it's not that i don't feel the need to journal, I simply just don't do it quite as much. I stay so busy, thoroughly (though not completely) distracted from my deeper, hidden, tormenting emotions. I am happy, I laugh, I love, I see my world through completely different eyes. I am distracted by those who love me and show it. I am supported, accepted, wanted. I feel like a different person when i am home than when i am in Montana. When i am in Bozeman i feel as if i search for recognition, acceptance. There's always something, someone holding me back. The most challenging thing is that i know i am LETTING it hold me back. Why? Because it is overpowering, it has more control over me than i do myself.
I have applied to 2 jobs. Looking back, that's more than i did after graduating last may. I applied for real life jobs. I am finally ready to leave bozeman with nothing holding me back. I am not hesitant. Sad? Yes! I hate to say its over, but I honestly believe that for me to be the person i deserve to be, i need to leave. Escape. succeed. Flourish!
I have a life somewhere that has been patiently waiting for me. As i am journaling in this moment, with these thoughts and realizations, my eyes are welling up with tears. Goodbyes are sad, difficult. Goodbyes are always my weakness and I acknowledge that. But i am tearing up for noticing my strengths and allowing myself to use them. I recognize my weaknesses and use them as well to better myself as a person. I am imperfect. I love my imperfections. Closing my eyes, i saw a light. I saw a path. It was my future. Visions fade in and out of my mind as i accept this path ahead of me, choosing to walk it with my chin up, rather than turn it into a dead end or turn around for fear of what might be along it or at the end of it when i reach that point. I saw a quote that struck me instantly with mixed emotions. I dreaded the journey i was realizing i have to take, but realistically, this quote showed me exactly what was true "the only way out of the rabbit hole is through it". Right now, i am in a rabbit hole (metaphorically of course), all i have to do is push through, keep going and soon, I will reach a destination with many more choices, freedoms...a new life. Into the light.
Time: Past. Present. Future. I will conquer them all. Looking to the past, i learn from my mistakes, cherish Every experience i was given. I can still feel the pain, taste the tears and hear the words that hurt me most but I am Thankful to have the ability to remember. I see the good, feel the love i was shown and the love i gave. I smile remembering my family, friends, the joys and the sorrows. I lived my past and continue to breathe. I accept the present. I know that though the present exists only in the here and now, the past and future i hold at the front of my mind blend into it. The future- a completely unknown place that i have always taken for granted. It is a challenge, more pain and more joys. Laughter and tears. Looking at the past, i see that my future holds not just dreams but the rest of my life.
What will i say in my future? What do i want to say and do? Who will i be? As i applied for jobs this weekend i felt stressed, but most of all i felt hope. Hope for simply me. I can go somewhere, do something, change, embrace new experiences. I move forward knowing that the challenges are not over. Moving does not mean I am free, but that i am willing to let go and do something that was once just a dream. Excitement. Relief. Hesitance. Fear. Confident. I would rather feel too much than feel nothing at all.
Cheers to yesterday, today and the rest of the moments that i will be blessed with.
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