this crowned knot of fire

As I said in one of my earlier blogs, I just have to fake it in order to make it. This I have realized can have very positive outcomes and very negative outcomes! If I fake it, I do in fact make it! Each day, it helps me get through. If I smile, no one asks questions (except it's rare to see that smile, so if I am for some reason smiling....it seems odd- sad realization). My days go moment to moment. I don't think that I had ever experienced that moment to moment feeling until recently. Everything can change so quickly in my days. A card or hug gives me hope and relief. A poem or a song can bring me to tears within seconds, no matter how happy I may have been. I try to push through.

I feel more selfish than I have before. Today- I woke up to a smiling baby, enjoyed beautiful drives through the mountains (even seeing a baby and mama moose), a lovely lunch with the most perfect friend a girl could have. This warm sunny day ended with a "family fun night" at Moonlight Basin complete with sledding, s'mores, a bonfire and great family. Down time, more loving from a perfect baby and some journaling in front of the fireplace. So what on Earth do I have to be unhappy about???? Happiness should come easily to me looking at this simple, yet amazing list of things I was surrounded with. I feel so guilty for not indulging and loving every second of this life that I was given today.

My eyes water, I can't even tell anymore if it is from pure exhaustion or tears of sadness. Does it matter?
I am searching for the strength to hurt less, endure more, and love without fear. I am reading Eliot's Four Quartets. While I have read this sacred text innumerable times, I found that each of those times I was loved and in love. Now I find myself reading it in a completely different way. Loss, despair, sadness, and torment consume me. My tears fall onto the page but I do nothing to stop them. I can feel moments burning slowly inside me- falling like embers, disintegrating slowly. Something is dying inside of me.

I can't find what else to say, I sit here staring at these flames, rising higher and higher, burning through my soul as I recite these words that will not leave me:

"And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."