What we see. What we think we see.

Did Marilyn Monroe read T.S. Eliot?? She read Beckett, Whitman, Proust and Rilke; the list goes on. As I am reading a book on Marilyn, Fragments, I am drawn to her use of language and the things that she talks about such as reality and time- the present and the past. It all reminds me so much of Beckett and Eliot. She seems to fear silence the way that many of us do. Sometimes it is not so much a fear but a realization of how painful silence can seem. So why do many of us wish for "a moment of silence"? surprise you. Marilyn Monroe may have seemed to be a "dumb blonde", extraordinarily beautiful sex symbol and lived a "glamorous" life; but we are all humans struggling in the same chaotic world nonetheless.

A no good very bad day...again

This town and I are really not working too well together lately. I think that falling on my ass in the parking lot and killing my tail bone, being rear- ended and getting stuck in the drop off on the side of the drive way at work (twice) is quite enough for one week. I am just waiting for my drive up to Big Sky...let's see what excitement that brings.

To end this week I walked into Barnes and Noble and had a self- help book thrown in my face which I definitely thought was ironic. To be honest I was a bit, well taken aback and skeptical. After looking through it though I really decided it was there for a reason and I just HAD to buy it. I had to. I am actually anticipating the moment I sit down and read it without anyone interrupting me or my thoughts wandering too far as they have been lately.

Soon, I will be returning home and I am very excited to be with the family again...home. A familiar place and lots of love.

I have this feeling that soon something is going to happen in my life. I have no idea what it is but mentally I think I am ready for a change and all that will come with it, I really am. It's a really frightening feeling of anticipation for what is to come and a relief of letting go of everything that had been.
~L

Namaste

"It only takes a meeting ourselves in this moment, starting from where we are and letting each of our stories and truths surface from the simple acts of sit, write, stretch."- A word on meditation and writing combing forces.

The power of writing and meditation when combined can be breathtaking. Whenever I am in a yoga class, I am not just meditating as I should be, I am thinking...constantly. But it is a great way for me to continuously get out those thoughts in silence and stillness which we often do not get time to do. When we are meditating we think we need to solely be calming ourselves, finding the beauty in silence. That is what I always expected of myself. Now I have come to find the beauty in the silence, but also the fact that I am able to calmly think without speaking or pacing, closing my eyes helps so much to visualize my thoughts as well. Trust me. Being a nanny can really force you to enjoy silence and time alone!

I have learned so much about myself the last few months and meditating THEN writing really brings out a lot more thoughts than simply sitting down, pen to paper, forcing myself to let it out. My best thoughts, most intimate thoughts come when I least expect them to. Often times I can't write them down which makes them that much more personal and intimate. It brings a sense of peace to me in a way just knowing that I have been able to come to certain realizations and think certain thoughts which never before had occurred to me.

I have come to a point in my life where I don't speak as much as I write. I can't say I dislike this because writing in a way makes it more permanent. I can write don everything in that instant steering clear of any judgment but my own. I have come to not judge myself so harshly too. Writing things down is so much easier than saying it out loud especially if it is meant for someone else because again face to face encounters are not always the easiest. Some things are just so much better to the eyes than the ears. This could be why I much prefer to read song lyrics than to actually hear the song itself. I never thought why I preferred it to be that way until now.

I sometimes pretend that like my writings, my life is just a rough draft. If I make mistakes it will all be ok in the end. A great ending can sometimes make up for a slow beginning or re- beginning.

Grinches and Cindy Lou Who-s...

I think we have all noticed that the Holidays have approached and continue to do so at a rather fast pace. The big question is can you keep up. So many people have let the holidays bring them down for many reasons (financial issues, etc.) but really it's us who creates the stress for ourselves. Some (including my sister) have even lowered themselves to taking on the form of the Grinch and finding it "unnecessary to celebrate Christmas year after year". WOW! Calm down and carry on.

I on the other hand would like to think of myself as more of a Cindy Lou Who kind of person. I am so excited for the Holidays this year and have been celebrating for a while, I will admit. Christmas parties...Christmas stroll and the upcoming Christmas Bazaar...let's not forget the gingerbread house making!

So for all of you who are letting the financial woes bring you down- don't worry about it. Usually, the best gift is being the best person you can be throughout the entire year. It's about what you do for people every day, not one day a year. Think about it. Celebrate. Most of all just show some love because there just doesn't seem to be enough in this world.

xo
L

Fearless, not flawless

I had a very interesting conversation with someone tonight about people and our many flaws. Some people have the courage to acknowledge those flaws and simply live with them, while others deny their flaws or attempt to point out the flaws in others even more to perhaps make themselves feel better. I find this topic very interesting and have a sort of obsession with people and their flaws, not even specific people but in general. The dysfunctions of life and relationships never cease to amaze me. It creates a complex curiosity within me and causes me to ask myself questions regarding these topics quite often. It has been a long day and I think my fall on the ice today really knocked my train of thought out of order...therefore, I am unable to question anymore tonight or even focus on this topic anymore.

I thought to myself today that I would much rather live the rest of my life being fearless, taking those giant leaps that scare the life out of me and fail than to never have leapt at all. Life is too short to be scared and hold back. I'm going to jump and risk the fall.

Not bent, broken

I decided after last night it was not simply time to have some one change my password for me so that I could no longer "log in" to Facebook but to all together "deactivate" my account...god it sounds like it's a freaking bomb. Well, I guess it would be fair for me to say Facebook was a bomb. There are many, many reasons as to why I got rid of my facebook account but none of it really matters if it no longer exists (except in memory of course). What is known, is dealt with and there. I am a strong believer (in this case) in the saying "What you don't know won't hurt you".

Those of you who want to reach me know how to. I am looking forward to blogging more, writing more...not simply "updating my status" in 2 sentences or less. People have told me that even without facebook I will find things to help me procrastinate. This I know is true. I will procrastinate by cuddling and loving my nephews as much as possible (can you even call that procrastination?). I will read more, write, and enjoy these things to the fullest. The one thing that will also begin to consume my time is my newest project which I have only shared with one very special person, my Sari love. I don't need to mention my love for Eliot's Four Quartets, but there are specific lines there that really, really spoke to me and remain in my mind as if they are permanently engraved there. I will begin some sketches this week of images to accompany these lines. Those sketches will then be placed on a grid and made into a much larger painting. I am still debating whether I want to make one large collage or individual canvases.

This idea was originally meant to be a gift for someone I considered one of the most important people in my life, but now they will remain as a remembrance to me.

"With the drawing of this love and the voice of this calling"

I love all of you dearly who have helped me endure the last few weeks...months. You will never know how grateful I am and how much you really all have inspired me.

Always, Lisa

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how people hold on to things whether it be people, an object, a thought...anything really. It's interesting because holding onto things is so much easier than letting go it seems, as if we are going to lose something great if we do let go. But then I started thinking about all the things I am losing by NOT letting go of certain things, people, memories. Both of these decisions raises many more questions within themselves and are not easy to do. What if? The most prominent question in my mind and I think it is fair to say that I ask myself this every day concerning both matters small and large.

As of late, I find myself doing things that I know will only make things more difficult, as if I am intentionally causing myself pain
and I really don't understand it. Then again, there is a lot I don't understand and more than likely never will. It's like reality is continuously kicking my ass into gear telling me to get with the program.

Well, I am happy to say that reality is also forcing me out of this glass bubble I like to refer to as...Bozeman. As much as I love Montana, especially Bozeman- it is soon going to be time to let go. For the first time in a long time I have no commitments, nothing. Really. How often does this honestly happen? It is quite invigorating- liberating and at the same time scarier than hell! This glass bubble is continuously rolling around this town crashing into the things that hurt me most....it is bound to smash into pieces at some point right? I laugh at myself because everyone reminds me how small Bozeman is and I never understood until recently.

If you can't have it, you may as well run from it...that's my theory today. But it's really not that simple- no matter how far I run, it follows- it is daunting. These memories haunt my dreams every night. But the waking is never a relief.


‎"I wish you bluebirds in the spring to give your heart a song to sing, and then a kiss but more than that, I wish you love. And in July...I wish you love. So with my best my very best I set you free."

Bright Star

I never thought that moment would be one I would remember always, I simply was looking for some peace of mind.

As I was driving, I decided it would be a good idea to stop and take a stroll across Carter's Bridge. The Yellowstone river looked amazingly serene under the bright moonlight hidden mostly by the clouds. I was shivering, teeth chattering together yet I continued to stand there in amazement. The moment was so calm and breathtaking perhaps because it was the most quiet moment of my day. I headed back towards my car and looked back to see if the moon had decided to emerge from the clouds even a little, it seemed so bright even hidden there in the sky. As I looked up, I saw not the moon but the form the clouds had taken, or rather the sky peering through the clouds. To me, it looked like a bird of some sort...the wings, the head and body- so clear to me. The outline was illuminated by the moonlight, but still the moon was not visible. It was amazing how this image took over all the thoughts that had been racing through my mind at least for the next few moments.

By this time, I really wanted some warmth so I got into my car and the random mix of songs on a CD I made was playing...it was Convulsion from the Bright Star soundtrack.

I drove down 89 listening to the poem Bright Star and simply enjoyed the darkness and serenity of the moment. As I was merging onto the interstate, I kept my eye on the sky...occasionally watching the road (distracted driver? Yes.) I am glad I did though because where the image of the bird had been was now something else. The clouds changed their form, but what it was this time I couldn't make out...all I saw was one bright star in the center of the sky that was surrounded by clouds.

One very bright star.

The joys. Birth and rebirth.

It has been far too long since my last blog...and of course it will be cut short because I am heading to work soon.

I have had one of the best weeks ever though, no questions. I was surprised last Saturday by numerous phone calls and text messages telling me to get to the hospital as soon as I was off work to meet the newest addition to the family! I was so overcome with excitement that my 2-9 shift seemed to be droning on and on. I spent every moment that I wasn't working with my sister and Baby in the hospital...I call him baby because he didn't even have a name until Sunday, Sawyer J.

I was amazed at how much I learned those few days at the hospital...the down and dirty facts (scary truths) about C-sections and newborns. Every time I took Sawyer in my arms I wanted to cry with joy! I think that he could quite possibly be one of the most perfect babies ever! EVER! My sister and I became very, very close during this time and I had the most amazing time with her! I am so proud of my sister, she is such a wonderful mother and sister! I would give anything for her and loved being able to help her with the baby through the first days and nights after his birth. I feel like I have been so selfish lately and knowing that I really did help someone else and being shown that true genuine appreciation is more than I could ask for.

I don't know if I have ever truly bonded with a baby like I have with Sawyer. He was tiny, losing weight quickly and getting jaundice by about day 3 so we had to supplement him with formula. I got to feed him through a syringe :) I could sit here and write about him for hours, all the great moments I experienced, but it really doesn't matter to any of you reading it. What matters is that I have them to keep and I feel like sharing all the special things would somehow ruin the entire thing.

The last week has been wonderful and I am so happy that this little munchkin is a part of our family!!!

Brink of light in a world of darkness

Even on the warmest of days, this world can seem so cold. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel...so cliche...so true. I have found that I tend to blog at extreme moments, for example, when I am either REALLY excited or really disappointed/ frustrated, etc. Not always, but usually. My blog is like my own little cove. I love it :)

I have been reading Eliot's Four Quartets a lot lately. I know I have said this before but it amazes me how every time I read it something new comes to me! It's funny how Eliot works with my moods. When I am in a confused or lost mood I find myself questioning every thing he says and life situations in general. But when I am happy and have something to look forward to Eliot provides a sort of light and a weight that I want to carry around. It's hard for me to explain- it's an infatuation.

I decided to write this blog because I am once again looking at pursuing one of my dreams in the near future! About 3 years ago, I was going to drop out of MSU and go to Le Cordon Bleu, which would have allowed me to be near my family and away from whatever it was that was troubling me. I tend to run from my troubles (mostly) although sometimes I follow my troubles around like a lost puppy. Sad. Pathetic. Back to the topic of my DrEaM...I am going to finish my writing minor, live life a bit, then leave these dusty roads behind, and yes I will be kicking dust up into the eyes of those behind me so you better either run ahead or stand by my side. When I decided to pursue this dream in the near future (thanks to the one and only wonderful Sari) I couldn't breathe. Usually I am breathless because I am overwhelmed with something- but not this time it was pure excitement!

The path ahead is both known and unknown, anticipated and feared but I am willing to walk it with my head held high!

Oh, why hello there future- I look forward to meeting you!

In my beginning is my end

I was walking today and thought to myself, while pondering certain life situations "When does it end?!"...Eliot once again came to my rescue telling me "in my beginning is my end". AhA! Of course it is. But wait...what does this even mean? I thought I knew what it meant but now a few months later I find myself clueless about all the things I thought I once knew. Hmmmm...does this bring me back to my Senior Capstone with the one and only Shaman Sexson? Yes! "What do I know now that I didn't know before?" This could get comical if I actually responded with a list.

I have always loved, loved, loved Eliot and read some more of his works in the summer but the Four Quartets is still my favorite. It is like a pool reflecting all these connections to life- it amazes me to say the least. As I said before I converted one room in my apartment into my "library" and there are definitely some classy Eliot quotes on those walls. I love it, I smile every time I go in there. I have actually found myself wandering in there before I go to bed some nights just to smile at my bookshelf. It really is a strange thing to do.

And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.

memories...memories...memories...there and gone...

This also reminds me, I feel like I am back in my freshman days..confused by MSU's ridiculous system of dealing with issues. Oh, wait that was EVERY year!!!!! I am thoroughly frustrated with MSU right now and their ways of assigning "seniority" and what not because they do not know how! They love confusing themselves and every one else- I promise, they love it! I am back at the beginning of this whole nonsense right when I thought I had really in fact hit "the end", thanks MSU for never ceasing to make my life dull! At least I got some nice walks out of it, Also, sorry to the city of Bozeman for obnoxiously kicking around all of the crunchy leaves you worked so hard collecting yesterday- it was out of frustration on my way back from campus...but I got pure Joy from it. So my most sincere apologies and THANKS! :) I am now a happy girl and can get on with my day. It's the simple things in life.

An up and coming literary scholar?

This blog is dedicated to little Wells:

Yes, the little man in my life right now could quite possibly be the greatest man I have ever had in my life. No, actually he IS the greatest man ever known to me. Wells Summers, I love you! How lucky could a girl be to spend every day with him as his nanny?! I walked in the other day and Wells literally jumped up and down in his jumper for a good 4 minutes, probably more. There have been days that I have showed up to work just miserable and it's as if he knows what I am thinking and simply puts his head against me. I could not be blessed with a better family, other than my own, to be a part of my life! When I show up to work he puts his arms out to me and rests his head on my shoulder...that is the "hello" that I get every day...with an adorable smile showing his 2 little teeth!

The other night Carrie and I went to dinner at Second Street Bistro with Wells and I think that I experienced one of the most amazing moments ever! Wells and I sat down in the booth and Carrie sat across from us. As I stood him up on my lap, he put his arm around my neck and put his face against mine, I almost started crying because it was the sweetest most loving moment I think I have ever experienced!

I recently bought Wells the book "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" and he LOVES it, almost as much as he loves "Where the Wild Things are". I was inspired to write this blog mainly to brag about this wonderful person in my life (and yes he is a full person, not a half person as some people like to call babies) but also because of Wells' obsession with books! He doesn't want them on the shelf, he wants them on the floor surrounding him! I have started to Document his new habits with my camera because they are too cute to miss- then I think "oh no I just captured his soul"! Wells and I could not make a better pair! He is one of the smartest babies I have ever been around (probably because he has such a scholarly nanny), haha!

The other day, I made Wells listen to some John Keats poetry and he was actually listening to me! Carrie said he learned how to turn the pages in the books because we read together so much :) That made me so happy!

While Wells may be an up and coming scholar in literature, we do have other "baby" fun too! Honestly, I don't know anyone else that would sing "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" in the middle of downtown Bozeman just to make a baby smile...yes, I did that just for him- but I got the smile out of him!

I wish I had some reading glasses to put on him right now!

Life is a waiting game

"Better to have it and not need it than it is to need it and not have it."~ A great Lonesome Dove quote


I am amazed at the amount of time, especially this last year, I have wasted in waiting. Pathetic, actually. The only thing that I have been patient with is finding the perfect puppy for me...which I may have just found! I have been looking for a puppy since early summer and am still on a mission to get one of those precious babies OUT of a shelter into my cozy home! I pick dogs the way I pick guys....slowly, cautiously and very picky...perhaps I need to be more careful with my choice in men though.

Anyways, why do we spend so much of our time (or at least me) waiting for things to happen- things ARE happening every moment. Take your chances and let fate have its way then. I need to tell myself that more. This is another reason I want to get rid of these social utilities. If I lived near my family I would get rid of my phone as well. The calls, texts, responses...they are not coming, they never will. I wish I knew when the point of "giving up" should be put in action.

Even though I tell myself "wait no more", what am I doing this very second? Yes, yes, I am waiting. Again, pathetic! Right?!

I have one of the greatest friends in the world! Some of my most intimate, deep conversations take place at Plonk- which is right where this one took place. I was so shocked at her blunt statement that I couldn't even cry, as badly as I wanted to. Sometimes the hardest things are what we need to hear, even if it is exactly what we don't want to. She did it for my own good, but the words she said to me sticks in my heart like a knife... a wealth of knowledge and good advice though.

Why is it that we wait, hold on...life lessons- so overrated.

Oh....social utilities

Well, as some of you may know...I have have been seriously considering deleting facebook. I know, right?! I am laughing so hard because when I say this people freeze before they respond. What on Earth we would all do without facebook?! I am thinking more what can I do without it! I love facebook because it is a wonderful procrastination tool (or could be come January). BUT facebook is the, as I like to say, "tell all source" and causes me to be exposed to things I would really rather not see. Facebook has actually been the RUIN of the last few months...so thanks facebook for exposing so many secrets....or TRUTHS!

But still can I really just get rid of it as easy as that? Well, probably not, haha! So, anyways...some way somehow facebook and I are parting ways this week...that secret password will soon be changed by a great friend of mine so I cannot be tempted to log on.

Hello life.

Halloween

This was such an interesting Halloween weekend! I am so thankful to have spent this particular weekend with so many wonderful friends! Victoria and Sari helped me start the weekend with a bang. I loved every minute with them, so much laughter, few tears and so many other fun moments I will never forget! I can always count on V to make it a moment to remember! :)

On Friday, I treated myself to a new book from Vargos and a wonderfully beautiful fall walk through town! I think that I reached a moment even when I was in complete bliss. It was wonderful. I even got to spend the evening with a baby monkey :) Oh that little Wells- he made a wonderful monkey, though he was quite serious for much of our downtown adventure. That was until he discovered his costume had a tail! Yes, a long, curly monkey tail! i think saying he loved it would be a bit of an understatement. I made him stay in his costume all night because he just looked too cute! I love that he was a monkey, but as many of you know there is some (a lot) of significance and meaning behind that term for me. Why on Earth would Carrie decide to dress him as a monkey? I tried to protest when I found out but she insisted he be a monkey- fine! I went with it since he is not my child. We practiced our Monkey calls each day but I think that I was the only one excelling.

Oh, I don't even know what to say about Saturday- it was wonderful, horrible...we made it unforgettable! So.....a HUGE thank you to Sari and Sarah, Amber and Katy and so many more for keeping me sane this weekend, making me laugh and smile, and forcing me to join society. :) I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends!

The one other thing I am thankful for is my willpower to choose green tea instead of Halloween Candy. I can happily say I consumed approximately 2 pieces of candy all weekend :) Liquid calories? Yes, Please! I also discovered that I am the world's worst dancer, but I will take it on as my next challenge and will dance my little heart out as I please :)

Happiness, sadness and everything in between. Happy Halloween!

Good and Evil

Sometimes I think that late night conversations are the most interesting and thought provoking conversations. Anyways, we were discussing the idea of good and evil...or can I say Evil (because it just seems to power over the good). I don't know if it was more of a conversation/ debate or just an assemblage of alternating questions. Either way, it really got both of us thinking, especially me about this idea of Evil. Interesting since I have recently been exposing myself to more knowledge about peace, enlightenment, and buddhist values, and attaining that sort of happiness and good. Is there such a thing as Evil?

The one thing I truly don't understand and honestly don't know if I ever will is the way that people treat each other. What is the point of flashing glares, saying or doing things to intentionally hurt someone? Or are people really that blind to see that they are doing such harm?

Of course, my mind goes straight to thinking about the soul. The idea of evil being hidden in the soul first intrigued me when I was home at one point in the summer, though of course at that point I thought the entire Universe was evil. Really.

I always thought that the soul was one thing that stayed pure. The one "good" part of a person could be found in the soul, but now I wonder if that is really true and whether I should really believe this. If perhaps there is some sort of evil in the soul, can it be found in each soul, or just some. I think that perhaps some people are just born with a bit of evil in them, perhaps others develop it over a time. This evilness is like a dark cloud lingering over a person's soul blocking out not only the good they could see in themselves, but the good in others.

So what is the soul? Is it a reflection of the pure or the evil? When we die and at the very least our souls are left behind where does that evil go? What then is haunted by that evil and is it in the same form?

I could make various assumptions of my own, instead I shall continue to question...at least for the time being.

Forlorn, adieu, adieu

I have been reading a lot of poetry by John Keats and every time I fall more and more in love. I will never understand how he managed to convey, so beautifully, his feelings for Fanny Brawne. I just bought a book of Keats' poetry from Vargos the other day and immediately walked to Wild Joe's to read it and indulge with some tea...unfortunately a creeper ruined that wonderful moment so i instead opted for a 2 hour walk before work.

I watched the movie bright star earlier in the summer and fell in love with that film as well! Dr. Sexson had been telling me for months to watch it, finally I got around to it. I wanted to watch it over and over! I became so "obsessed' with it that I bought some music from the soundtrack and recitations from the film of Keats' poetry.

I cannot help but wonder what would have been had he not died at such a young age. Either way, his letters are ridiculously romantic and I am a hopeless romantic...or was. I worked for 9 hours on a Saturday a few weekends ago and it was so cold and rainy out, so Wells and I had a cozy day inside. I decided to expose him to some poetry I knew he had never heard...John Keats! For a 10 month old, he is really quite attentive to books, slowly turning the page of one, while you read the other. I felt like I should pair him with some reading glasses since he was already dolled up in his Ralph Lauren Cords and Navy blue cable sweater. I can't help but turn him into a little literary genius and the "your baby can read" infomercials are almost convincing! Well, let me tell you- he is developing into a rather handsome scholar!

My wonderful, ever so beautiful friend Sari bought me the book "Love letters of great men" for Valentine's day one year and I turned to John Keats' letters right away! It is one of my most cherished books in my library now and I find myself picking it up when I need a little boost from the usual dreariness of the days lately.

If you haven't done so RUN out and rent Bright Star...then read some more Keats and envy both him and Fanny for the ever romantic relations they had and their ways of expressing that love. Yes, it was love...it was love...

Erhebung

"the state of being in an uplifted state, risen"

I can't say that I have felt this "erhebung" feeling in quite some time...until today- I felt at least a little bit of a rising, mentally. I recently decided to give up on one of my biggest hopes, some would say that is insane, but if you knew me then you would understand and I am sure you'd be happy for me. I went for a long drive last night....actually it was 12:30am and thought...a lot, about a lot. I was finally able to go home and sleep at 2am (good thing I wasted a whole lot of gas now that the prices are yet again rising). I slept...yes, for the first night in a long time I slept until my sister woke me up at 8:30am...EARLY for me considering I have been laying in bed until approximately 1pm nearly everyday (just enough time to get ready and go to work). Granted it took a lot for me to actually get out of bed because I woke surprisingly depressed (perhaps a lingering dream that I didn't remember).

I was driving to work this morning, the beauty of the valley and the music (Bright Star soundtrack) helped set the mood I think...I felt a sort of weight taken off my shoulders but I couldn't figure out if I liked that feeling or not. Still, I feel that lightness- I feel different. I am excited for the changes that are coming in the near future yet also hesitant to make any changes that are TOO big! As always.

I have been having a lot of recurrent dreams lately and one of them is about moving to Carmel, CA. I fell in love the moment I arrived in Carmel for the month of August and I would do anything to go back. I think that I really may move there at some point in life (hopefully sooner than later) just to have the experience. This makes me think of Eliot "we had the experience but missed the meaning"- too often we miss the meaning. Maybe we misread the meaning because of our own twisted perceptions and our habit to think things are a certain way when they are really not.

Because of the dreams I have been having lately, I decided to run into my very own personal library...six shelves and still not enough room! That's nothing though, one day I will make myself a library just like the Beast's in the Beauty and the Beast. So, I ran and grabbed the book Wisdom of the Mythtellers by Sean Kane. Yes, this was a book Dr. Sexson had us read in Oral Traditions. I am engrossed in these stories and the beauty of the creation stories. My group presented the section on dreams which is probably why this book was so prominent in my mind when I woke up one morning. I am so excited to blog about this section and have had so much fun looking back through my notes. While I am engrossed in this book, it is Eliot's Four quartets that sits directly next to me. I am in love with the quartets it is completely "destroyed" if you will, by my many colored pens.

I am enjoying this touch of Erhebung in my present life.

Peace Garden

I found out at the Buddhist poetry reading that there is a peace garden being built here in Arlee, Montana which the Dalai Lama is apparently coming out for! I am absolutely amazed that an event like this would occur in the U.S. nonetheless in Montana!! I am actualally in disbelief... I attached a link to an article that discusses this and thought that it was really interesting! The Peace Garden is a place for people of all religions to come and those involved with this project are so excited and open to all visiting which I think is so great as well! I am definitely going once it is complete!!

http://www.dailyinterlake.com/news/local_montana/article_9132b78e-3a0d-11df-9a91-001cc4c03286.html

"And the walls became the world all around"

First, I have to thank Wells for inspiring me to use this as my title...We read "Where the Wild Things are" nearly every day! He loves it!

"And the walls became the world all around". I had read that line numerous times until I really thought about it aside from the book. Every day these invisible walls are created as a sort of barrier to protect us from whatever it is we don't want to deal with. We put up a wall not only within ourselves to avoid knowing or facing what we must but between us and others. Eventually, we find ourselves unable or not wanting to be kept inside those walls though, just like Max. Sadly some of us will not always have what we have been avoiding waiting there for us on the other side of these imaginary walls whether we are sailing through days, weeks or years.

I just think that this idea is interesting. Sometimes as I sit here throwing random blog posts together, I wonder...hmmm- should I really post this? Well, why not- it must get SOMEONE thinking about something! I know this thought is so random, but honestly let's all take a step back from this adorable book about a little monster child learning his lesson and apply it to an adult's life...first, mothers: don't yell at your children or send them to bed without supper because they just MIGHT run away...or pretend to. Second, we should create walls like the world all around but only if it is obscenely imaginative (humor me) and not causing us to "run away" form our troubles like silly little Max does because you know what? It leads to a big WiLd RuMpUs and longing...

So..."Oh please don't go..." I LOVE YOU SO!

Buddhist Poetry Reading

I went to a Buddhist poetry reading last week not knowing what to expect but was definitely excited about it. I have been very interested in Buddhism since my senior year in High School when we were told to read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. The idea of being on an unwavering search for enlightenment and happiness throughout life until it is achieved and/or constantly present is so amazing to me. People often forget what we are put on this Earth for, or perhaps they are simply too ignorant to believe that it could be something as simple as living a life filled with happiness and experience in which we attain not only the knowledge of how to treat others but how to treat ourselves as well.

Sitting in Country Bookshelf, listening to the poems selected and the words of those who though not all practicing Buddhists are inspired in some way by this religion was sensational. It was especially moving because I am at both my happiest and unhappiest moment in life right now, gaining and losing something in this life every day.

Listening to the music, the speakers and the poetry I think to myself, “I want so badly just to be happy. How on Earth do these people attain this happiness? When will I be enlightened? “ I went through moments of great inspiration to moments of disbelief and confusion throughout this short lecture. It’s like we constantly challenge ourselves to be happy when in fact there really is no challenge.

I was both intrigued and troubled by this next passage:
“The past no longer exists and the future is not yet here.” I wanted to believe this, take it simply as a “live in the here and now” sort of statement, but instead of thinking so simply, I read deeper into it. I wanted to get up and challenge this and decided to write out my thoughts instead. For me, the past exists in memories, photos, or even in places themselves; the past is constantly with us and therefore exists. Right? Eliot was also in the back of my mind saying “time past and time future all point to present”. This then led me to recall Eliot’s connections between time and remembrance of past moments in The Four Quartets. The idea of remembrance is something I will not even begin to address right now.

Lately, I have heard “kill with kindness” quite a lot. But why does it now have to be that kindness kills, it’s like a mix of good and evil right there, the positive in a way becoming negative. The idea (practiced in Buddhism) that “hate does not conquer hate, love conquers hate” sounds so…how do I put it…trite but I cannot help but think that same thought to myself every day. This comprehension between good and evil, the duality is so interesting to me. So many questions go through my head as I write this and I cannot help but wonder is there evil in this world, pure evil? If so, what creates this evil? Again, this is something that I could continuously create questions about. A to reflect the evil of power: “Sell out Crow” Written by Greg Pape.

Many poems were read, thoughts shared and connections made. I walked out of the bookstore feeling like I was in a completely different world from the power hour pre-gamers (most of us know that power hour is the pre-game). I felt inspired to “kill with kindness” if you will and open my eyes more to not only differences in cultures and religions, but take something from them that would inspire or benefit me.

Wallace Stevens:
“A man and a woman 
Are one. 

A man and a woman and a blackbird 

Are one.

I do not know which to prefer, 

The beauty of inflections

Or the beauty of innuendoes, 

The blackbird whistling 

Or just after.”

Keepin' this girl a blogging

I have wanted to start a personal blog (inspiration from a past professor) and finally decided to take the time to do so. As I write this, or rather type this, thanks to modern day technology, I am debating where to begin because there are so many things I want to blog about. Since completing school at MSU I have realized that without blogs, classes and that educational social life we all have and often times dread, I am in a completely different world. So many things provoke me to explore further and do things I never would think of, but I realize with the way that my daily schedule has been going my thoughts all blend together, never get out which leads to nonsense ramble even I cannot follow. With that being said, I thought a blog would be the perfect way to release all the thoughts in my head and share them with my friends, family and others I am both near and far from. With that being said, my hope is that perhaps something will somehow connect, remind, and provoke you to think about something that you may not have otherwise come across. I also have to thank Christie for the summer conversation at the bar in Plonk…much in depth conversation led to this.