Words for everything

"and the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"


"I want to say somewhere: I've tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satsfaction in bitterness...I was a human cancer. And to be honest: I wasn't really angry. Not anymore. I had left my anger somewhere long ago. Put it down on a park bench and walked away. And yet. It had been so long, I didn't know any other way of being. One day I woke up and said to myself: 'it's not too late.' The first days were strange. I let go and something let go of me."
~ The History of Love

Serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

"The only way out of the rabbit hole is through it"

It has probably been weeks since i did any serious journaling. When i am at home, it's not that i don't feel the need to journal, I simply just don't do it quite as much. I stay so busy, thoroughly (though not completely) distracted from my deeper, hidden, tormenting emotions. I am happy, I laugh, I love, I see my world through completely different eyes. I am distracted by those who love me and show it. I am supported, accepted, wanted. I feel like a different person when i am home than when i am in Montana. When i am in Bozeman i feel as if i search for recognition, acceptance. There's  always something, someone holding me back. The most challenging thing is that i know i am LETTING it hold me back. Why? Because it is overpowering, it has more control over me than i do myself. 

I have applied to 2 jobs. Looking back, that's more than i did after graduating last may. I applied for real life jobs. I am finally ready to leave bozeman with nothing holding me back. I am not hesitant. Sad? Yes! I hate to say its over, but I honestly believe that for me to be the person i deserve to be, i need to leave. Escape. succeed. Flourish! 

I have a life somewhere that has been patiently waiting for me. As i am journaling in this moment, with these thoughts and realizations, my eyes are welling up with tears. Goodbyes are sad, difficult. Goodbyes are always my weakness and I acknowledge that. But i am tearing up for noticing my strengths and allowing myself to use them. I recognize my weaknesses and use them as well to better myself as a person. I am imperfect. I love my imperfections. Closing my eyes, i saw a light. I saw a path. It was my future. Visions fade in and out of my mind as i accept this path ahead of me, choosing to walk it with my chin up, rather than turn it into a dead end or turn around for fear of what might be along it or at the end of it when i reach that point. I saw a quote that struck me instantly with mixed emotions. I dreaded the journey i was realizing i have to take, but realistically, this quote showed me exactly what was true "the only way out of the rabbit hole is through it". Right now, i am in a rabbit hole (metaphorically of course), all i have to do is push through, keep going and soon, I will reach a destination with many more choices, freedoms...a new life. Into the light.

Time: Past. Present. Future. I will conquer them all. Looking to the past, i learn from my mistakes, cherish Every experience i was given. I can still feel the pain, taste the tears and hear the words that hurt me most but I am Thankful to have the ability to remember. I see the good, feel the love i was shown and the love i gave. I smile remembering my family, friends, the joys and the sorrows. I lived my past and continue to breathe. I accept the present. I know that though the present exists only in the here and now, the past and future i hold at the front of my mind blend into it. The future- a completely unknown place that i have always taken for granted. It is a challenge, more pain and more joys. Laughter and tears. Looking at the past, i see that my future holds not just dreams but the rest of my life. 

What will i say in my future? What do i want to say and do?  Who will i be? As i applied for jobs this weekend i felt stressed, but most of all i felt hope. Hope for simply me. I can go somewhere, do something, change, embrace new experiences. I move forward knowing that the challenges are not over. Moving does not mean I am free, but that i am willing to let go and do something that was once just a dream. Excitement. Relief. Hesitance. Fear. Confident. I would rather feel too much than feel nothing at all. 
Cheers to yesterday, today and the rest of the moments that i will be blessed with.

this crowned knot of fire

As I said in one of my earlier blogs, I just have to fake it in order to make it. This I have realized can have very positive outcomes and very negative outcomes! If I fake it, I do in fact make it! Each day, it helps me get through. If I smile, no one asks questions (except it's rare to see that smile, so if I am for some reason smiling....it seems odd- sad realization). My days go moment to moment. I don't think that I had ever experienced that moment to moment feeling until recently. Everything can change so quickly in my days. A card or hug gives me hope and relief. A poem or a song can bring me to tears within seconds, no matter how happy I may have been. I try to push through.

I feel more selfish than I have before. Today- I woke up to a smiling baby, enjoyed beautiful drives through the mountains (even seeing a baby and mama moose), a lovely lunch with the most perfect friend a girl could have. This warm sunny day ended with a "family fun night" at Moonlight Basin complete with sledding, s'mores, a bonfire and great family. Down time, more loving from a perfect baby and some journaling in front of the fireplace. So what on Earth do I have to be unhappy about???? Happiness should come easily to me looking at this simple, yet amazing list of things I was surrounded with. I feel so guilty for not indulging and loving every second of this life that I was given today.

My eyes water, I can't even tell anymore if it is from pure exhaustion or tears of sadness. Does it matter?
I am searching for the strength to hurt less, endure more, and love without fear. I am reading Eliot's Four Quartets. While I have read this sacred text innumerable times, I found that each of those times I was loved and in love. Now I find myself reading it in a completely different way. Loss, despair, sadness, and torment consume me. My tears fall onto the page but I do nothing to stop them. I can feel moments burning slowly inside me- falling like embers, disintegrating slowly. Something is dying inside of me.

I can't find what else to say, I sit here staring at these flames, rising higher and higher, burning through my soul as I recite these words that will not leave me:

"And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one."

No more a memory, but a vision

"MY heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains  
  My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,  
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains  
  One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:  
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,          
  But being too happy in thine happiness,  
    That thou, light-wingèd Dryad of the trees,  
          In some melodious plot  
  Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,  
    Singest of summer in full-throated ease."


I am here. Surrounded by deep flourishing evergreens. A wave of relief washes over me, distracting me from everything that once was, bringing me to the here and now of my life. What is and what will be. I have a vision, a feeling like dancing. I am weightless in this world that weighs me down. I breathe, the cool air spiraling through my lungs, filling me with delight. I can run, I can dream, and will never again hide from this most beautiful and blessed life. I am....i will be...thank you...


 "Was it a vision, or a waking dream?  
 Fled is that music:—do I wake or sleep?"
-John Keats

The element of freedom

‎"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight and closed in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"

Closure is a funny thing. It's something we hope for, then when we get it and we don't know what to do with it. With closure comes tears...sometimes nearly 12 hours straight of tears. I thought finalizing things...relationships was so much easier than it really is. i keep telling myself it is for the best, that perhaps i won't love the same but I am hopeful that this process of "loving and losing" makes me a stronger person.

I am starting a new life in a way. It is a life with less of some things, but oh so much more of other things. the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day today. What is right is not always easy. Yesterday it took me realizing that what i wanted to do and what i had to do were two very diffeerent things. I still do not comprehend evything that i wish i did but sometimes silence is better than meaningless words on a page, in a sentence or a thought.

Driving last night, I found the good and bad in love. I laughed, cried, talked and listened. I answer and i question, mostly i question. The pain I am feeling is something i never ever thought i would feel. Never before has hurt taken over me the way it has the last few months. My god, nearly the last year. I can't help but think that i would do anything to protect anyone from feeling this way, especially my nieces. I look at them as they drift off to sleep, dreaming of this fairytale life full of unicorns, fairies and prince charmings. Part of me wants to awaken them from these false hopes, but what i really want is for them to experience this life. I want them to love without fear and to protect them from ever suffering a broken heart. Impossible. My belief in them is stronger than that. They will persevere, i will teach them.

Letting go is taking a deep breath, walking with my chin up, letting tears stream down my face and embracing that moment of weakness and strength encompassing me at once.

Instead of worrying, i will indulge in more poetry, art, blissful walks, writing, breathing...LIVING!

I am spreading my wings, for the first time i am absolutely and completely free of the one thing that chained me down for so long. I am free of the feeling that i will never be able to put into words. I will carry that love i once had with me and smile knowing that I captured the feeling fully enough to hold onto without letting it hold me down.

Here's to a new beginning and the strength to let go.

sinking

Maybe i jumped off the boat too quickly and forgot the life preserver...I am drowning in this town.

Let the rain fall

Starting now. I am beginning to cleanse my mind of stressors, slowly, one by one. Constantly having certain issues weighing on my mind is exhausting, both physically and mentally. I realize more and more each day that I need to really let go. Its not enough to simply say that i will, but the act of actually doing it is what counts. Mentally, i have been preparing myself. This is probably the hardest task because so many of my thoughts contradict each other.

All of this deeper thinking came about on my way to work today. My counseling appointment this afternoon presented a whirlwind of emotions. I don't think i will ever understand how it is possible to feel so many emotions within so little time. The human mind and emotions are 2 very complex parts of life. I will never attempt to unravel those complexities because i secretly am attracted to them.

Physically, i am rearranging, cleaning out, getting rid of things and planning a few things out on paper to post around my apartment. I am breathing a sigh of relief knowing that I will be taking baby steps to find a happier me :) I am anticipating what it will fell like, a light, fluttery and confident feeling. All i can think of is john Keats and his image of the butterfly. So free, so lively. Perhaps it was but 3 days of joy, but that is all i could ever ask for.

I am beginning now. I will be. I will live. I will love at least myself, if nothing else.